Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain

MGSV has the best mechanics I’ve seen in any game to come out in the past couple years. They’re so robust and varied that I don’t even really mind invading the same outposts several dozen times each — which I am expected to do — given that I can have an entirely new experience by changing a few items in my loadout, or by bringing a different buddy along. Still, this is a big part of the game’s weakness: its failure at times to build a larger package around its better qualities. It particularly falls short when these core mechanics aren’t in play at all, such as when you’re forced to fight a gunship or a giant robot, when suddenly there’s no stealth, no fulton extraction; just a rocket launcher and a demand.

Those annoying parts aside, it’s staggering how much work this game puts into your toolkit. I suspect the cardboard box is more sophisticated than the mechanics of certain other stealth games in their entirety. You can slip out of the box and leave it behind as a decoy, you can pop out like a jack-in-the-box, slide down hills, add camo patterns to match your environment. You can slap posters on it, some of which are oriented for when you’re standing vertically, while others are horizontal, meaning they continue to work after you leave the box behind. These can also change the behaviors of guards, who can actually try to open the box instead of shooting it once they’re a couple meters away, or stop and turn around because they hilariously mistake the poster on the box for another guard. The results might change based on the time of day and the distance you attempt this from. The box has durability, and might lose one of its cover flaps, compromising the camouflage from some angles. There are waterproof boxes and ones that release smoke. Depending on the level of alertness in the base, the Command Post might laugh off reports of a moving cardboard box, or you might be shot on sight. It’s a complex system.

Again: that’s just the cardboard box! Something you can play the whole game without using! This is to say nothing about D-Walker’s drift mechanics or how you can pair him with a shield on your back slot. I could talk about the crazy stuff you can do with decoys or fulton devices, too, but frankly, it’s unnecessary.

As ridiculously deep as the mechanics can be, the game is not commensurately good at explaining itself, leaving players perhaps never finding out that they can ride a shipping container back to base, or keep a guard on the ground with their hands behind their head indefinitely, or add your own MP3s to Snake’s cassette tape collection and set them to be blasted from your helicopter’s loudspeakers, so all your foes know that the Vengabus is coming when the chopper arrives to extract you.

Not only is MGSV so open as to allow you to break it — which any diehard Morrowind fan will tell you is your divine right in gaming — but it even sometimes anticipates this breakage and gives you a nod for it. In missions where you’re told to tail somebody until they lead you to some commanding officer or prisoner, there’s really nothing stopping you from going off-road at the start of the level and taking a straight line to their ultimate destination. The adviser talking to Snake on comms will say something like “How did you know he’d be there? Do you have psychic powers or something?” but the game does absolutely nothing to stop you and even rewards you with an S-rank for beating the level so fast. (It’s rare to see Japanese devs tackle this kind of Assassin’s Creed sandbox gameplay, and here it’s exactly the opposite of what I remember being forced to do in Assassin’s Creed 2, the last one I played.) S-ranks tend to always be pretty easy to get: apart from cloaking devices and other things that always automatically disqualify you from an S-rank, missions do not restrict you by the level of gear available to the player at the time, which means you can rescue prisoners with wormholes and insta-kill bosses with the upgraded rocket launcher. I wouldn’t have thought it unfair if they had limited you further by gear level — and the fact that all items come with a numerical rank in the first place might mean this was originally intended — but I quite like just being able to do what I want, and letting hardcore players self-police themselves if they want a greater challenge.

I’m not a fan of the checkpoint system. The game doesn’t restrict you from walking back out to the outskirts of an enemy outpost to give yourself a checkpoint after silently taking out five or ten of the twenty guards posted there, and it doesn’t keep you from screwing yourself if you cross that threshold a split-second before a mission-critical target leaves the area or before a prisoner is executed, either. And if you had to use a toilet or something for a checkpoint, it’d be one thing, but the weird way checkpoints occur at a semi-random radius around outposts incentivizes weird player behaviors. If you’re not near a guard post and you’ve just extracted some S-rank guard you really like, you might run around for five minutes looking for a checkpoint, all the while hoping you don’t walk over a landmine or fall to your death or something, losing him.

And there are too many arbitrary rules involved with when things are saved, whether it’s events at Mother Base (which exists in a sort of non-linear time), mission tasks (which can be saved without a checkpoint by opening certain menus and then aborting the mission, but aren’t if you die without a checkpoint), or your ammunition (D-Walker gets its equipment refreshed, but the state of your own equipment is preserved). Extracted guards are sent to your base at a checkpoint, but reloading the checkpoint respawns the guards if (and only if) they’re mission-critical, which means that every player learns how to clone tanks and reroll the stats of human beings, once they grasp the weird logic of the game. It’s quite strange already that if you take out 8/9 side-op targets and go hit a checkpoint, all 9 targets will be back on the field again, forcing you to take them all out in one stretch, which doesn’t seem to happen in main missions. But it’s even stranger that you can repeatedly extract 8 of them, as long as you never turn in the last one and finish. Some of this feels like oversights that there wasn’t enough development time to straighten out, especially D-Walker, which can also be deployed at the start of a mission for 5,000 GMP and then swapped on the field to its 50,000 GMP loadout for free.

The game’s story has a lot of interesting ideas that are executed a bit poorly. Everything’s insanely convoluted, and while there tends to be an explanation hammered out for why every situation has to be so outlandish, the explanations themselves are unconvincing or silly. I thought that the game’s convoluted central twist was entirely pointless and unnecessary in terms of what it actually accomplishes for people who reexamine the entire narrative through that lens. You find out that Bruce Willis is a ghost in The Sixth Sense, and while maybe this forces some contrivances along the way, these are justified because the payoff is big, and changes the viewer’s perception of everything else that happened in the movie, right? Now, I’m not saying Snake is a ghost, but I am saying I saw no payoff, and nothing really changed.

I have to note: I since talked to a friend of mine who knows more about the series, and he told me that the twist explains something that happened in the original NES game. So as it turns out, there is a payoff, but it’s like having to watch five other Shyamalan movies to appreciate The Sixth Sense. Isn’t that something?

The character called Quiet, a woman who reveals a lot of skin and doesn’t talk, got a ton of pushback, and most of it was deserved. Quiet was unmistakably an object, whose primary character trait and motive was loving Snake, but her storyline was probably one of the more effective parts of the narrative — she doesn’t entirely need to speak when she can communicate with her actions, which is refreshing in an otherwise-overwritten (read: Japanese) game where everyone else talks in cutscenes and on audio tapes for ten hours about Weapons To Surpass Metal Gear. But there’s also very little justification for some of Quiet’s plot points, like her not getting the Wolbachia treatment, or even being forced into it back at Mother Base. It mainly serves to keep the gimmick going.

Quiet also has one of the most memorable parts of the game: the boss fight against her. It’s not good in the Dark Souls sense of what makes a good boss fight, where everything is really tight and you gradually gain intimate knowledge of what can and can’t be done in your situation. In fact, the cover system is kind of shit, and I constantly had trouble attaching myself to walls and looking over them to scope out Quiet’s location. But it comes as such a surprise and is so different even from the other forced boss fights. My first time doing it, I was nervously belly-crawling large distances and taking forever; the sun went down and came up again before I finally took her down. But that adds to the drama of it; no music playing in the background, just two snipers playing out this long-range duel, patching up wounds behind cover and trying to find the other by the sounds they make. I thought it was brilliant… although I also never thought to just air-drop an armored personnel carrier on her head.

What probably worked best about the story was a more ludonarrative performance involving the training of soldiers back at Mother Base and their expendability. When my soldiers were being made to die off, I felt a real anguish and discomfort that was successfully tied into the story the game was intending to tell. But this is all tied into a base management mechanic that plays a huge role in your ability to research new gear, quickly request supplies on the field, gain intel about unseen enemies on your map, make money, and several other things. I’ve seen other sandbox games do base and resource management, but never to such good effect.

A game like The Witcher 3 tells a profoundly better story overall, in a much cleaner package; the ending of Blood & Wine still has its hooks in me. But that was also an incredibly by-the-book sandbox by many other respects, to the point of sometimes feeling boring. And remarkably, the point-of-interest checklist stuff that I found tedious in The Witcher 3 actually tended to feel rewarding in MGSV. For one thing, you always want fifty times more money and resources than you have. You incur so many operating costs just getting around on your helicopter, keeping weapons stocked and maintained, presumably feeding your dog, and so on. You don’t get your grenade budget refunded if you don’t use up the ones you bring, which is the perfect incentive design both when it’s time to decide whether to bring those grenades, and when you feel like being thrifty about actually throwing them.

On the other hand, there’s not a lot of incentive to ever use more than a couple of the guns you have, even after spending 800 billion dollars researching hundreds of them. Some of this research leads to good weaponsmithing parts for the gun you will use, but most doesn’t.

Many ideas were cooler in theory than in execution, like the way 90% of your cash is stored online, where it’s vulnerable to theft by other players. But it doesn’t sync nearly often enough, and you can find yourself running your offline reserves into the red while still having millions online, risking morale drops and not being able to buy anything else. The servers or netcode or both are terrible, as you can get locked in menus for minutes just waiting for some online communication.

Despite so many systems being executed well, the package is unfinished. The story isn’t fully resolved — there are bits on youtube of cut content from Mission 51 — and it goes on long enough to have justified a third sandbox region, but instead you’re asked to endlessly repeat the same rescue and elimination side-ops in only slightly different configurations. And while the game is fun broken, there are some areas where the game feels so crude that even a bastard like me felt a need to police myself, like when driving tanks around in side-ops and finding that guards had no idea what to do when I drove right into the middle of their base and started opening fire on everything. I don’t mean that they weren’t equipped to fight a tank. I mean they literally could not conceive of the tank. They ran around in circles, wondering how their radar dishes were being destroyed, as if I’d planted C4 on each of them earlier, and was blowing them up from far away.

The game needed a deeper system for replaying missions with imposed restrictions and rewards, but instead, it just tacked on new instances of a handful of missions. As a consequence, if you’re trying to do all the mission tasks, you have to senselessly repeat even ones like listening to guard conversations again. It can take a few minutes just to skip through all the cutscenes at the end of a mission you were only replaying to knock off that one last task. One repeat mission even has you redo the shitty prologue, where you basically just limp around on the floor for twenty minutes while Kiefer Sutherland makes Moby Dick references, all for the reward of an extra cutscene at the end. Because I have no life, I played through this three times. It would’ve been four if I hadn’t looked up what the hidden tasks were in advance of playing the “Truth” version.

Naturally, spreading the objectives over more outposts or a third sandbox region would have made it feel less repetitive. Side-ops should have been at least as diverse as some of the objectives provided in bonus mission tasks, if not more so. And the animal-collection system should not have relied on RNG or had players waste time catching creatures that didn’t even have an in-game model. But these are useless criticisms, all solved with “more time” and “more money”. Maybe if they had tried to build a robust PC modding scene instead of creating Metal Gear Online, fans might have filled in the gaps. But most mods never go very far, and it’s not something I propose with any real conviction.

Apart from the need to have made Kojima subordinate to a no-nonsense editor who could also keep the game focused on its strengths, and maybe putting more thought into the checkpoint system and a couple other little things, there’s really very little that might have been done better with the resources they had. As it stands, it’s still pretty amazing.

This game was thoroughly enjoyed by the reviewer. It is an excellent game that may be too simple or not ambitious enough to be a 5, or there are design flaws meaningful enough to prevent it from enduring as something truly beloved. Highly recommended.
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Watch Dogs 2

It’s always a bit striking how these Ubisoft games seem to spend more than enough money but feel shallow and fail to really execute on their ideas. There’s some good stuff here: the cheery young black Oakland hacker protagonist is way different from the usual design-by-committee junk they took a whipping for with Watch Dogs 1, and while I roll my eyes at their execution on a lot of the “hacker culture” stuff, I have to admit it’s at least not a totally overused aesthetic.

The weirdest thing about the game has to be the killing. You aren’t a gangster, an undercover cop, or a space marine or anything–I can’t see any reason to think that Marcus here is supposed to be someone who has ever held a gun in his life at all. And your typical objective isn’t “get payback on the cartels”–though they certainly shoehorned that kind of standard fare in there in places–but “sneak into the Google offices and put a virus on their computers”. And, yeah, like, I get it–murdering everybody who works at Google with a grenade launcher doesn’t technically mean you can no longer plug in the USB stick. But what the hell’s the point anymore? How doesn’t that immediately become the way bigger story than the evil data you liberated or whatever? Nobody mentions your body count at all and it’s way more fucked and narratively unsettling than some silly moment in GTA4 where they suddenly pretend life is sacred and that you didn’t mow down 10 people on the sidewalk minutes before the cutscene started.

A part of me wonders if there had been a point in development where guns weren’t planned at all, until some focus group said they wanted to shoot people, but either way it’s weird. WD2’s combat is unfulfilling and frustrating. When you melee a guard in a room while others are around, you can get locked into a hour-long takedown animation where you’re still hitting the guy like six more times after the other guards have seen you and started shooting you. You also die after about two seconds’ exposure to bullet fire, which would support the whole “stealth is the intended way to go” theory, except that the stealth is no better.

Putting aside that a “clean hands” run is more or less taken off the table by the decision to have your stealth takedowns count as kills, it gets in the way of even violent stealth. You can’t move bodies around or hide by any means other than velcroing to cover opposite the guards. You can’t shut off alarms and they go off constantly on their own as objectives during the story missions. These are the sorts of things we wouldn’t accept in a proper, dedicated stealth game. And I think proper stealth really would’ve made the game something else. Make the takedowns non-lethal. Tell me when I’ve killed. Don’t alert the whole building when I stungun somebody head-on: just because the guard got to look me in the eyes before he went down doesn’t mean he radioed in, unless he’s wearing some kind of special Silicon Valley camera contact lens I wasn’t told about. And though the occasional quirk in detection logic may be inevitable, communicate to me what the consequences of these quirks are: tell me conclusively when the rest of the building has started freaking out. That’d be a good start.

So: shooting and stealth both are poor, but it’s the combination of both, combined with ample hacking, that can actually make these infiltrations enjoyable. Usually this means whipping out the remote control hopper and whizzing past guards while they’re staring intently at goatse or whatever the heck it is you send to them when you hack their phones. Carpet-bombing groups of enemies from the quadrotor drone also works pretty well. Even so, the balance between infiltration strategies is nonexistent: you can sprint right past a guard in the middle of the most secure server room on the planet if he’s just been texted a jpg. In the final mission I would die if I poked my head out for more than a second, but a bit of feedback blasted into everyone’s headsets and I sprinted right past several dozen heavily armored dudes with assault rifles.

The remote control toys are generally executed better than most of the other stuff, and aren’t seen as often in other games. You could make a whole game out of puzzles where you have to position yourself and other objects in order to get your hopper to unlock a door for you, and if they had, it would’ve been a better game than WD2. In practice, it feels a little contrived sometimes how you can never borrow a helicopter or pick up tiny objects with the quadrotor, because most of the time the challenge is just about scouting out the circuitous route up to a rooftop where a collectible is. And trying to find a way up onto something only to discover that you were supposed to use a scissor lift or a crane always sucks. But they could’ve done tons by setting up puzzles where, say, Marcus has to be actively standing on some kind of pressure plate to keep a grate held open for the hopper. And they could’ve made the hopper smaller, so there might be passages it could move through but the drone couldn’t. Maybe the quadrotor could even be made to pick up the hopper. Probably the coolest one actually implemented was when I remote-hacked a scissor-lift on the second floor of a parking garage from the hopper cam, and drove the lift off a ledge so I could use it to raise Marcus up from the ground floor. But it’s clear they could’ve gone much further.

They might have done more with those puzzles where you rotate nodes to bridge a connection, too: the best ones already in the game have you think outside of the digital space by making you do something physical, like moving a car out of the way. But they might’ve had these connections go longer, but be less tangled and mazelike, and require you to physically interact with different types of nodes in the way, tying whole buildings together. You might interact with these nodes through an app on Marcus’ phone instead of craning your neck around and overlaying them on physical space: once you bridged a connection to the elevator icon in the phone app, you’d be able to use that elevator in physical space (and gain access to a new set of nodes on the new floor that became available). And things should definitely, definitely be left unlocked for good if you already poked around a building long before doing a story mission there while hunting for collectibles.

The tasks where you hack into a camera feed and switch between other cameras you have line-of-sight on are boring. There was one on a cargo ship where you could hack into some guy’s bodycam from a stationary camera he would walk by, and you had to follow him until he moved to an otherwise-inaccessible part of the room where you could hack another guy’s keycard, and I thought, hey, maybe there’s something here. But it doesn’t go nearly far enough to get interesting, and these segments are much too partitioned from the rest of your activities. If you could remote-hack a bodycam and then close doors in peoples’ faces and otherwise distract them, in order to get two patrolling guards to fall fully out of sync from each other–so you could knock them out while they were isolated from one another–that would be really cool.

There’s also a short series of missions where you use camera data to find out exactly where a bunch of people routinely park their cars and stand guard, so you can show up early and drive forklifts full of explosives right where everyone’s going to stand, and then find some nearby cover to wait in until the appointed time. I thought that was a really fun twist, and it just goes to show how many clever ideas really were used in the game, but only ever shallowly.

The Dark Souls-esque always-active multiplayer was good. The hack invasions were tense and unique, and the co-op wasn’t half-bad either: it doesn’t beat being able to do a full playthrough with a co-op partner, but I had some memorable encounters. I dance-emoted while ghost-riding the whip, took some selfies with the randos whose games I joined, and even had some cool gameplay moments, like one where my partner distracted a guard by hacking their phone while I climbed a ladder up to said guard and silently knocked them out. When that happened, I did a cheer emote across the building to where my partner was crouched, and ended up drawing the attention of another guard… beautiful.

There’s a lot of little, annoying things in the game. The gamepad controls suck and I died several times because I hit the wrong direction on the D-pad and got shot to death while my character was locked in the animation of pulling out his laptop to control the quadrotor. My thumb got sore pushing down the left stick to sprint all the time, and god knows why they couldn’t just put that on the A button. Putting the cars I summoned 300 meters away sure as hell didn’t help either. The radio controls have you hold the select button, but this is also what you do to skip a transmission of story dialogue, and also what you use to warp to a multiplayer activity–god knows that backfired a few times. I also died or got hit by a car or something with bad timing at least once and ended up having the game skip a story-mission phone call altogether. This felt especially sloppy.

You gather botnet resources to recharge your hacking meter by focusing on somebody for a hack with LB and pressing A, but it only provides resources for some people, whereas for others, it steals a few pitiful dollars from their bank accounts, or starts spying on their phone call or text message. Botnet recovery absolutely needed its own fixed place on the command wheel, because whenever I ran low on hack power during a police chase or whatever, all I could do was drive by while rapidly tapping A at every pedestrian until I found some, and this would mean constantly putting text messages I didn’t want to see overtop my UI, and listening to the first second of countless phone calls before interrupting each one with another press or driving out of range. It was a terrible way of handling it.

Menus take too long to open, and loops of loads and warps get pretty annoying, which makes me wonder if Ubisoft even learns anything over the decades about game design: I remember getting annoyed by the way restarting a mission in some early Assassin’s Creed game would jerk me out and back in with two separate load screens. Imagine the scene in WD2: I’d be working as the equivalent of an Uber driver, I’d ding up my car, restart to get a better driver rating, and it would load to the “pick up your client” stage of the mission, but drop me where I already was, meaning, nowhere near the starting point of the drive. So I’d go to quicktravel to the start of the drive, but it would tell me quick travel was disabled during a mission. So I’d go back into the main menu, cancel the mission, wait out another load, and then quicktravel and load that before finding a new nearby and viable car and getting the rest of the way back to the start of the mission. I was playing on an SSD and all, but Christ–Ubi needs to have a long conversation with the CD Projeckt RED guys.

Finally, there’s another subject I wanted to talk about: WD2 has eye-tracking functionality. As it so happens, I have a Tobii EyeX. And there’s some interesting stuff going on there. The EyeX doesn’t support head-tracking like the newer 4C, and it doesn’t have nearly what you’d call pixel-perfect accuracy, especially toward the edges of the screen. It’s early-adopter hardware, and can be awkward, but if an application uses it intelligently, it’s an amazing input device that requires no effort on the part of the user to accommodate it–unlike, say, learning how to hold or waggle a Wii remote. You already use your eyes–it’s just a matter of having hardware that doesn’t waste that valuable data. So I’m a huge fan of the idea.

The WD2 eye-tracking is pretty neat, and pretty close to the ideal when it comes to tech at this stage. I think the rule to follow here is: when you can’t do what I want you to do, don’t be worse than nothing at all.

A good example is Aim At Gaze: your gun’s aim doesn’t actually follow your gaze as you hold and adjust it, but only determines the initial place you’re aiming at when you first press LT and the gun is raised. Because the resolution isn’t pixel-perfect, this can’t reliably snap your aim right to the enemy’s face unless it cheats and picks a head for you, but it points you much closer to the headshot than you otherwise would be if you had no secondary input and your crosshair started off dead-ahead. It’s up to you to fine-tune the shot, but this is much less of a maneuver than panning across the whole screen with the control stick would be. Even if you’ve leaned too far forward in the heat of the moment and your eye tracker has lost your gaze–which happens just a little too often with my generation of eye-trackers, admittedly–it’s no real setback, because if it doesn’t find you and you bring up your gun without the eye-tracker taking you close to where you want to be, it doesn’t take even a second to realize that you have to aim fully by the old-fashioned method.

Hack At Gaze was similar. It worked well, but I found that it typically prioritize focus on other cars instead of pedestrians while driving, so I’d have to manually center the screen on someone to hack their phones during the aforementioned efforts to use the botnets to recharge my hack power. I was really reluctant to believe that this would have been my only way to aim a hack at all if I didn’t have the eye-tracker but used a gamepad anyway, which means that, A, the eye-tracker must be working its magic if I couldn’t imagine playing without it, and B, the gamepad controls really are crap.

The eye-tracker’s “extended view” option for the game is a bit more annoying, because your camera will pan down as you look to the UI at the bottom of the screen, read subtitles, or whatever. If it were a little smarter it’d disable itself during those safehouse conversations where you can’t move around, at the very least. Luckily, you can turn each setting off individually, and adjust sensitivity, so I ended up leaving this one on, but limiting the sensitivity and reducing the maximum angle that the eye-tracker was allowed to pan by.

All in all? Loads of promise in this series, but I don’t see Ubi fulfilling that promise. It would basically take another stealth-hacking IP stealing its ideas, or the license switching hands in the manner of Fallout: New Vegas. There’s a good thought for a laugh and little more, but I’m far more hopeful that eye-tracking will really take off, because it’s dope as hell even if it’s not totally there yet.

The reviewer finds this game hard to get excited about, but still has a positive opinion of it. It may be somewhat fun, having good features or ideas counterbalanced by a few boring parts, bad design or other fundamentally irritating qualities that can’t easily be overlooked. Alternatively, it could be pleasant, but with nothing new to offer. Worth a little money if you’ve got the time for it.

Resident Evil 6

QTEs. They’re bad. I’ve talked about this before. Here’s a new way I thought of putting it: when I need to reload my gun, I think, “Oh shit, I need to reload.” But when I need to dive with a QTE, I’m made to think, “Oh shit, I need to push the A & X buttons.” And to think in terms of the controller in your hands is an immersion breaker, even though the point of QTEs is ostensibly to give the user a feeling of agency (and through that, presumably, some immersion) even while you’re in a cutscene. And because every chunk of gameplay in RE6 is interspersed with a million tiny unskippable cutscenes, and QTE failures don’t divert the plot but instead kill you, the problem is multifarious.

It doesn’t help that buttons you’re quickly told to press aren’t consonant with the game’s actual control scheme–normally a player would dive by pushing the control stick to specify direction, holding A to run (adding an intent of urgency), and hitting the left shoulder button, which is normally the aim button but in this context of direction+urgency is for quick evasions. This is an intuitive way to do it (though only with a gamepad), and the diving actions are RE6’s greatest iterative improvement to the arcade shooter formula that RE4 established. But the QTEs pay no attention to any of that. Hopefully you like forgetting the things you’ve unconsciously mastered so you can quickly be told to dive with the reload button.

Also awful is how the camera loves to get away from the player. If there’s a tall building, the camera pans up out of your control to look at it, as if to say, “Look, look at this art asset we spent a bunch of time on,” instead of leaving these things for detail-oriented players to appreciate on their own. By forcing it, every time you play that level, it feeds resentment instead. Even worse, the game occasionally decides to make you run toward the camera, especially in cinematic moments where you’re being chased or the environment is exploding behind you, which is to say, especially when you’ll die if you linger around for a moment. RE6 is rife with instant deaths in these moments and they often come while you’re thinking, “Okay, where did this cutscene put me, which way am I going here? Did I just come out of that building in the background or from behind the camera?” What’s especially heinous is that in single-player, the AI partner can actually get its pathfinding messed up or something and fail these sequences, causing the human to get a game over. This happened to me 4 or 5 times. If you were searching for a new thing worse than escort missions, this would be it.

All these things–the QTEs, cutscenes, instant deaths–deeply hurt the game’s replayability, which is something RE5 was amazing for, despite its own QTEs and other flaws. A co-op game where you can drop in chapter-by-chapter, unlocking costumes, weapons, infinite ammo… that should be a recipe for a game I want to play forever. But unlike RE5, this time you don’t even get to buy any new guns or pick up rewards for S-ranking chapters, even if I were otherwise willing to put up with all the tricky fail states and slow-walk-and-talk segments. But if I could skip even the five-second cutscenes and stay where the game is good, in control of my character on the ground at all times, things would be different. It would be far more fun to play again without being made to do the tedious driving, helicopter piloting, cinematic chase sequences, stealth areas and whatever else I’m forgetting about them shoving in there. I do like to shoot the guns, and to be fair while I’m hurling criticism after criticism, I should mention that this is still 80+% of the game. I like rolling around on the floor in co-op like an idiot even more so than the shooting of guns. The rest of gameplay is diverse but too shallow to be welcomed. And it’s a long campaign.

I think the point system is a great idea, which lets you choose 3 perks to take with you into a session. Infinite ammo for a weapon type takes up one of these, which limits the cheese potential if you want to replay missions for S ranks without the game just disabling the rankings entirely while infinite ammo is on. You have to buy them though, and it’s a bit grindy. And there was a missed opportunity for some interesting perks, like one to automatically succeed in all QTEs, even the ones where you have to spin a wheel to get a door open. If that had been a real perk, I’d have bought it first and never replaced it, even for infinite ammo.

Multiplayer is kind of cool, especially the idea of you and a friend teaming up with some rando and their friend for a 4-man boss fight. But I only got this working once or twice, because the game’s too dead for other people to be going into the same sub-chapter within a minute of you, and who can blame them, given what was already said about the replayability?

There are a several other multiplayer modes, none of which I really cared about, though Agent Hunt caught my attention first with its Dark Souls invasion mechanic. I tried it a few times, but it was frustrating for the incredibly weak and slow invaders, who spawn miles away from the good guys. There are also no unique unlocks or rewards even if you’re prove to be good at it. You get a win when another player dies from an instant death, which is far more likely than you killing them if you join in on the right level, but it’s pointless: if you’re farming for perks, it’s fifty times more efficient to just repetitively farm on a subchapter that’s short and has treasure caches in it–and equally boring.

Lastly, the game needs more Wesker boss fights, which is to say more than zero. You mean to tell me he’s actually dead because he was shot with a rocket launcher several times and he fell into a volcano? I’m pretty sure I did more than that to a handful of RE6’s bosses and still saw them crawl back up for another fight before the end of the chapter.

It’s a solid game if you thought RE5 was great, and not so much if you like honest survival horror. Thankfully, I can’t stand that stuff. But it’s a must to do this in co-op, preferably with someone who can laugh instead of getting angry at you when you’ve died to the same instant death trap ten times in a row.

The reviewer finds this game hard to get excited about, but still has a positive opinion of it. It may be somewhat fun, having good features or ideas counterbalanced by a few boring parts, bad design or other fundamentally irritating qualities that can’t easily be overlooked. Alternatively, it could be pleasant, but with nothing new to offer. Worth a little money if you’ve got the time for it.

Far Cry 3

Far Cry 3 is decent game in the genre of stealth murder, but it gets tiresome. I didn’t bother getting even half of the collectibles. I snagged all the skill & inventory upgrades, unlocked the quick-travel locations, and then decided that I didn’t need a few hundred figurines of sharks and boars. I felt a little sorry for my protagonist leaving the island with a permanently unfinished tattoo, but what did he really do to earn my sympathy, anyway?

The story is a bit embarrassing to sit through at times. Long before playing it, I had read talk about how it was a story with unreliable narration, the main character’s white male Avatar fantasy and so on, and I expected to see signs of this as I played. But it felt indistinguishable from just being an uncritical fantasy for the gamers. Hearing that the writers were rolling their eyes while writing it doesn’t really make something good satire, or a good commentary on other games. And they did definitely make a game primarily to waste peoples’ time, whether they wanted to or not.

The jokes were also pretty insufferable. The item descriptions were like a stereotypical hack’s stand-up routine idea of comedy: imagine a hundred jokes like “This gun is cheap and loud! Like my ex-wife!” but with less irony or deliberate heavy-handedness. The DLC mission dialogue consisted largely of the protagonist saying internet memes. At least it can be said that the cinematic presentation is several steps above Far Cry 2, where it sounded like the voice actors were instructed to talk as fast as possible. Maybe they wanted to reduce disk space for the audio files. Oh, what a time to be alive.

Climbable Viewpoints were lifted from the Assassin’s Creed team, although not such a great fit in an FPS. Driving is too awkward for real challenges, so the supply drop racing quests are usually simple, easy, and unfulfilling. At times they would give me a minute to run over a few hills and I’d finish with more than twenty seconds to spare. I wasn’t even particularly good at it.

I missed the hand-held maps from Far Cry 2 that I didn’t have to wait a couple seconds to open or pause the action for. There’s a minimap, useful for getting a sense of the immediate surroundings, but not for following the roads. No road signs, either.

I was glad to see the return of a few Far Cry 2 features, like snapping bones back into place and guard stations, which are the best time to put the stealth mechanics into practice. But the stealth-killing skills are almost never the most feasible way to achieve a goal. Throwing rocks to distract guards is interesting for a bit, but it’s almost always more effective to get somewhere high with a silenced sniper rifle and just shoot everybody before they find you. As I noted with Saints Row IV, there comes a time where you stop trying to do things the fun way because it’s so much easier and better-rewarded to do things the simple way.

The game manages to be playable without the option of quicksaving, but I found that the huge experience bonus and comparative painlessness of ghosting an outpost were significant enough that I often just suicided by throwing grenades at my feet to reload from an autosave if I was ever seen. I think eliminating the experience bonus would have been wise, as that might have alleviated some of that pressure. Enemies also should have hit the alarm if they saw a dead body, perhaps two, regardless of whether they saw the person who killed them. That would’ve eliminated the long-distance sniper rifle cheesing. To balance this out, stealth would have been better if the player had the freedom to scale all sorts of walls, not just ones with vines or ropes dangling off the sides. The player also should have been able to move enemy corpses after shooting them.

The animals are a fun addition, particularly when you hear some off-screen enemy shouting “Holy shit! It’s a komodo dragon!” and then dying before you ever even see them. They’re honestly more often the player’s ally than enemy, and they ultimately contribute to the unfortunate feeling that the game is reluctant to seriously challenge its players. Sometimes a tiger jumps on your face, though, and that’s pretty cool.

Overall, the game is more enjoyable to play than Far Cry 2, but not much better of a game. I liked Vaas, and I liked playing Poker with Hoyt. There wasn’t much else. The hallucinations and various other sequences seem incredibly unoriginal at this point in the history of AAA games. I felt like I had more control than I did in Tomb Raider, but just barely. I especially didn’t like the game saying I “failed” and then reloading because I strayed too far from the bounds of a quest marker, which didn’t seem especially urgent. I also had to listen to repeat dialogue after loading a save or failing a QTE sequence. It’s that sort of game.

Blood Dragon
The Blood Dragon standalone expansion plays largely the same as the original Far Cry 3, but it’s cheaper and shorter, which made it less likely to overstay its welcome. But its cutscenes drag on a little long without being very funny. Lampshade hanging isn’t funny either, and it does that quite a bit. Instead of making your character say “I want to kill whoever thought this would be fun,” maybe don’t put that thing in your game. It’s much funnier in its random guard dialogue and the text on mission descriptions, loading screens and so on. But it doesn’t improve on Far Cry 3 much, and its streamlining in skills and weapons ends up making the game feel a little too simple. I’ve reviewed the games together because I’ve decided they deserve the same score, which is the same score I gave Far Cry 2.

The reviewer believes this game stands above total mediocrity. It has something going for it, but ultimately few real merits. Most of the time, it isn’t fun, and doesn’t otherwise provide any sort of emotional payoff. Even though it does some cool things, you should play something else instead.

Far Cry 2

My main problem with Malaria Simulator Far Cry 2 was motion sickness, but that was mostly fixed by modding the FoV, and I adjusted to it after a couple days. That’s just something we’ve collectively solved since FC2’s 2008 release (except for a few troublesome exceptions, like Call of Juarez: Gunslinger), and I won’t let it color the review too deeply.

Most of Far Cry 2’s problems are well-documented. Enemies respawn infinitely. They’re like cockroaches: terribly numerous, clinging persistently to life, you could say there’s not so much a pleasure in killing them as there is a wish that they had never been around in the first place. I was constantly frustrated by not being able to drive anywhere without getting dogpiled, and stealth is almost impossible, because the silenced pistol needs some 6-8 shots to put somebody down, and guards see the player from vast distances away, chasing relentlessly. It’s weird how zealous they are in pursuit. Why would one guy chase me through miles of African wilderness just to finally get shot in the face when he steps outside of his van? What did he expect? Was he so eager to die? What inspired him to feel so strongly about me?

Whenever I was frustrated by a guard’s behavior or resilience, I found that it pleased me, far more than I should ever admit, to empty an entire SMG clip into their face once they were down. All the secondary weapons were toothless except for the explosive ones anyway, so it wasn’t as if I would ever miss the ammo.

The driving is comparable to Brutal Legend or the Mass Effect moon buggies: you go over a lot of hills and it’s not really all that fun. As I said in the Saints Row IV review, driving is fun because of the complexities, the tests of skill, particularly in traffic. Far Cry 2 does have pursuit from other cars, but unlike GTA cops, there’s not some radius of how far they care, or special techniques the player might employ to lose them. And while I can’t look behind my own vehicle, it seems like they’ll cheat to keep up, like a rubberbanding AI in a bad racing game. At least in Brutal Legend, the cars didn’t get stuck all the time.

It seems like it’s very hip to speak well of this game today: the malaria, the broke-dick piece of shit guns, all of it. The player isn’t supposed to have too much fun or feel too on top of things, the argument goes, because he’s a terrible guy in a terrible place and it’s blood diamonds and malaria pills you’re out looking for, not Baskin-Robbins ice cream flavors. But I don’t really buy it. If you’re trying to build the right ludic conditions for something like that, you shouldn’t be running around doing awkward parkour to get over rocks and rooftops. The gameplay and sense of ludonarrative consonance sort of succeed, but feel clumsy, much like the writing feels clumsy when it shoehorns in references to Joseph Conrad and Nietzsche. And much like the rushed, awkward voice acting.

I warmed to The Jackal, and to the idea of having this White Guy In Africa game with a dark tone where You are pretty much the whole problem regardless of how you do the quests, although at the very last minute the player character is dying to help some refugees, and I found the sudden shift incomprehensible, as if the developers were told they had to end it on a more positive note.

The collectibles really dragged playtime out, and should have been limited to a few large diamond caches and the recordings, which I did appreciate, but were bugged–I had to listen to them on the wiki. I also skipped almost all the buddies’ quests when I found out there wasn’t really any reward for doing them. They played more or less the same as all the other quests, anyway. The buddies themselves were a cool feature, although I didn’t like that they would switch out my secondary weapon whenever they showed up to help, and I would have preferred if I could choose which of them would help me or give me quests, because I never heard more than a sentence out of most of them.

Maybe the game is successful in its “shit shit shit” moments when a rifle jams immediately after the fight has started, and I’m willing to agree that a little chaos can be good, as long as it isn’t so chaotic that there’s no reason to develop a particular strategy. Was Far Cry 2 “the good kind of difficult”? I don’t think so. Enemies were pretty good about flanking me, which I liked, but they hit me with shotguns from sniper range, and had pinpoint accuracy even when line of sight was blocked by foliage. They had far too much health. It would also be a stretch to call them intelligent: they often blew themselves up with their own explosive weapons.

There were some parts that I appreciated, but I feel that Far Cry 2 hasn’t held up over time. I didn’t find enough tactical variety or depth to the experience. The themes of amorality have since been greatly overshadowed by Spec Ops: The Line and probably other games touching upon similar stuff with a more professional script and presentation, and while I can’t think of another FPS where the player is debilitated by disease, there’s probably a good reason for that. There are games like “That Dragon, Cancer”, and there are games where you dodge mortar fire and do parkour. The venn diagram would show some pretty scarce overlap.

The reviewer believes this game stands above total mediocrity. It has something going for it, but ultimately few real merits. Most of the time, it isn’t fun, and doesn’t otherwise provide any sort of emotional payoff. Even though it does some cool things, you should play something else instead.

Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut

I don’t want to spend a lot of time criticizing the technical issues in Deadly Premonition, as there are many, but they ultimately don’t prevail over the charms. (Issues in design will make for a longer conversation.) So: the controls are terrible and can’t be rebound properly, the resolution can’t be changed without mods, menus will get stuck, forcing you to quit without saving under certain circumstances, and there are crash bugs that I wasted many hours trying to fix.

It got bad enough that after a couple hours of play I almost considered giving up and just finding a Let’s Play of the game instead, but I ultimately got it stable enough by undoing all the various other “fixes” I’d applied and getting through a tricky cutscene with the game in fullscreen. No crash ever set me back more than a few minutes–usually it would crash while loading after a cutscene, and I could just skip the cutscene when I tried again–but even into the epilogue I was getting the crashes. You can imagine how eager I was to save after the boss rush.

Anyone who has paid money for the game ought to feel owed another patch from its PC developers, and will probably never get it. That said, the game is fantastic as it is, and absolutely worth buying. Look into the console versions if you can–they might be safer.

Deadly Premonition is very unusual. A Japanese shooting & driving sandbox game is unusual enough, but the game can’t be described so simply. At the start it plays and feels like a bad Resident Evil clone (Deadly Premonition originally came out in 2010; Resident Evil 5 came out in 2009) but then the sandbox and Harvest Moon elements get introduced (the NPC stuff, not the farming), where you’re dealing with a small town’s cast of characters on their own schedules, waiting until the hour the grocery store opens so you can do a sidequest. The casual pacing and relaxed atmosphere are totally wrong for survival horror, which has a lot to do with why I actually enjoyed playing it. You can’t run out of bullets or get stuck somewhere with no bed or food and starve to death, which is not at all the best practice if you actually intend to stress players out. The Director’s Cut even gives the player an infinite-use golden flare item “for emergencies” which spawns a new car with a fresh tank of gas. Are we babied? Yes, but I’d rather be babied than killed over and over by a bad game, which is probably what they were thinking when they stripped out higher difficulty settings for the Director’s Cut. It’s also probably why I never had to use the “Hold Breath” stealth option outside of a cutscene, despite it being bound to Right Trigger of all things, which should’ve been my shoot button.

It’s certainly not Harvest Moon, though. It’s quite surreal, and sad. I loved the characters and cutscenes, and saw the “actual gameplay” as irritating obstacles keeping me from what I wanted to do (pretty much just running around and talking to people). Not only is the shooting bad, but also the driving: cars are either slow or they flip over when you try to turn, yet the developers incorporated turn signals and windshield wiper controls–for charm in the absence of quality, I suppose. (I’ve been there.) There are lengthy QTE sequences and those are terrible too. Even the puzzles are bad: the typical puzzle has the player slowly, tediously push blocks into obvious positions. Mentally solve them in seconds, physically solve them in minutes–that’s the opposite of how a puzzle should be.

If I could have zoomed the map out twice as far as the game had been willing to let me, it still wouldn’t have been nearly far enough. Also, I personally need a sense of North to figure out where anything is, so I was constantly confused by the map rotating as I turned around–not only on the mini-map, but also on the pause menu. There were several times that I actually turned my car to the North before pausing in order to actually figure out where the hell I was, which made me feel ridiculous. Of course there was also nothing like GPS routes, but I kind of enjoyed having to think in terms of “turn left at the gas station”–or at least I would have, if the other elements worked better. The environment was somewhat crude, but I learned Greenvale a lot better than I ever learned, say, Steelport, and oddly enough I think I enjoyed navigating it more, too.

Of course, in practice, the gameplay of even my favorite parts can be a pain, when you have to track down NPCs at specific hours, wait 24 hours for the next stage of a quest, and then have that messed up for you when it’s randomly decided to be raining that day and the stores are closed. If an NPC is roaming and you have to use the map to find them, good luck with that. If the pause menu had been reworked with a cool interface for identifying peoples’ schedules and store hours, and you had a weather forecast for the next few days, that might’ve done as much for the game as fixing combat would’ve.

There’s item collection to be done, but it consists of a set of trading cards each with its own little story, and a few infinite ammo guns and unbreakable melee weapons. (I had a little joke in my head where at the end of the game, back in the framing device, the old man turns to his granddaughter and says “And that concludes the story of how I got my lightsaber.”) The comparison between collecting 65 trading cards by talking to NPCs or doing little item-trade sidequests, and collecting 1255 little glowing orbs by jumping on every rooftop, is one that puts Saints Row IV at a profound disadvantage. That said, I disliked grabbing cards from the Other World replays, where you traipse through a streamlined version of a level you already beat to get a card that wasn’t placed there before. I think these pad the game out pointlessly with recycled environments, although thankfully it’s only 7 or 8 cards and it only takes 5 minutes to run through and grab them. No matter how they’re found, though, it remains the case that there isn’t an overwhelming number of them, and each collectible is a little charming piece of the game’s world, instead of a glowing orb or coin or banana or whatever that’s no different from the last. In that respect, Deadly Premonition represents the gold standard of item collection.

The story and characters, the dialogue, and the feel are the things that make this game appealing, though also unmistakably Japanese. York is one of the most interesting protagonists in video games–he’s definitely a little crazy, often a ridiculous Mary Sue, and routinely insufferable to everyone but himself and the player. The female characters tended to be a lot less interesting and I sometimes confused them with each other, with the exception of Emily. There were some cliches, but also subverted tropes, and without getting into specifics, I really enjoyed the vast majority of what I saw.

I have to mention one thing: York speaks to an invisible friend of sorts, largely indistinguishable from the player, whom he calls “Zach”. Right from the beginning, he asks if “Zach” can hear him, and the player gets to respond with controller input. From then on, whether he’s alone in his car, or with others in the middle of a cutscene, York often talks to “me”, about our favorite movies, about our taste of women… in a game that is already quite surreal, playing it when your name is Zach or Zack is on a whole other level, let me tell you.

While I certainly recommend the game, I think “director’s cuts” are rare opportunities to come back to a game for more than just a simple patch: opportunities which most publishers will never give to developers. But in the case of this one, as with The Witcher 2, Bravely Default, and Tactics Ogre’s enhanced PSP port (and for all I know and expect, Human Revolution and Shadowrun: Dragonfall), the director’s cut hardly gets deep into most fundamental issues in the design. It’s actually harder to name a Director’s Cut that really does address a game’s problems. But were there ever a Deadly Premonition Director’s Cut Super Ultra Enhanced Edition Turbo Revival, I can think of dozens of things I’d change–things that should’ve already been changed. But it’s obvious now that this will forever be the oddball’s game, and should be approached fondly and comfortably in that territory, rather than within the terms of what a perfect version would look like. Like a flawed old movie you still keep the VHS copy of, despite not having a VCR… something like that. This isn’t a way I’m accustomed to thinking about things, so it’s hard for me to prepare a better analogy that I can really get behind. A friend of mine might say that there there’s no need to watch Wayne’s World in 4K. That one doesn’t apply for me, because I say there’s no need to watch Wayne’s World at all. If you still laugh at Wayne’s World, you’re a simpleton and a bad person, and you’ll probably die content, and I have no respect for happy people.

This game was thoroughly enjoyed by the reviewer. It is an excellent game that may be too simple or not ambitious enough to be a 5, or there are design flaws meaningful enough to prevent it from enduring as something truly beloved. Highly recommended.

Saints Row IV

Steelport returns with a new paint job. I’m not the first person to call it Saints Row 3.5, and SR3 was a disappointment to begin with. For a game that feels like an expansion pack on the bad Saints Row game to launch with an MSRP of fifty dollars is plainly wrong. It also fails to address SR3’s problems.

Vehicles haven’t changed. The game has the same library of gaudy tattoos and poor-fitting suits with no customization of the individual elements. There are no new options for the homies: there’s really just a dozen members of the Saints now, and all the peons are virtual automatons. The safehouse customization is gone, and that I don’t mind, because it was crude and limited in the past: you ultimately “upgraded” every building into a strip joint, which is just about the most depressing environment I can possibly imagine living in.

The criticism I made of SR3–that a great script or cutscene is way less brilliant or appealingly ridiculous than freedom to be ridiculous in gameplay–is still absolutely true. Characters would keep telling me to cause some mayhem to disrupt the system, and all I could think was that in doing so, I was following their rules to the letter.

I did have a lot of laughs with the story. The one-liners were great, of course, but the intent also felt better–they retconned Gat’s death and at least addressed the whole Shaundi thing (though not entirely adequately; they didn’t undo it). This time they got someone to mimic Eliza Dushku for a “Fun Shaundi” (she sounds like she has a sore throat), which still has that taste of interchangeability. I couldn’t even imagine a world where Volition would attempt to bring Gat back without Daniel Dae Kim. But at least it brings everything out into the open and adds a new dynamic to Shaundi’s awfully-written SR3 character. Thankfully, the Christmas DLC sort of redeems these choices by satirizing itself and including a future-Shaundi with yet another voice actor, and it’s Tara Platt, extending Shaundi to the conclusion of the path SR3 put her on by making future-Shaundi even more joyless–theatrically so.

The weapons and major missions are the only things that seem to have been created with love. Alien abduction and dubstep guns are fantastic ideas, and missions like the side scroller beat-em-up were rare sparks of genius. I enjoyed the parodies when their shallow implementation didn’t interfere with making the game fun, as was the case in failing the Metal Gear Solid parody level by getting detected, or in the tediousness of having to keep running back to the ship to speak to my crew members for a Mass Effect joke but only getting one line out of them when I did, instead of the lengthy conversation with a dialogue wheel that Mass Effect would’ve had.

I have to say though, the satirical “romance” system where you can instantly have casual sex with everyone honestly feels more mature than the typical Bioware game, where you’d go through a lengthy process of scoring points in a relationship where sex is the ultimate goal.

My opinion on the super powers lands somewhere in the middle. They’re the one significant change to the Saints Row gameplay. Moving around fast is fun, and the Prototype-style maneuvering handles well enough. But it makes me want to have a discussion about instant gratification and the legwork of games.

Compare Minecraft to Skyrim. In Minecraft, every block you place is one you dug up somewhere else. There’s a lot of legwork. But it’s meaningful and creative, and doesn’t feel especially tedious. Rather, that relationship between those aspects of your work is appealing. In Skyrim, however, the basic nature of gameplay is… what? To check boxes on a list? Quest Giver A needs Object B from Location C. It’s not meaningful or creative, but they’ve provided fast-travel, to “soften the blow”, so to speak. After all, you’d probably resent having to walk far to do something you didn’t really want to do anyway. (You’d think someone would try to soften that blow in SR4 by removing the 15 seconds before a race begins.) Skyrim’s quest log and compass, compared to Morrowind’s messy chronological journal, was just another example of this streamlining, with the ultimate conclusion of this trajectory being a boring game that can play itself.

SR4 is absolutely on the Skyrim end of that spectrum, with the instant gratification of running fast, instantly copying cars to the garage, instantly summoning aircraft and not even having to climb inside them for yourself. It removes a lot of the legwork between activities nobody wants to do, such as Mayhem, This Time Using Only Your Stomp Power.

In addition to the stomp, powers include an aura effect, a blast, and telekinesis, each with a couple elemental variants which didn’t change the basics or see much use. They’re slightly more fun than the grenades they replaced, but they don’t really revolutionize combat–I had more fun upgrading my guns, setting up an armor-piercing pistol for killing robots, that sort of thing. Combat in general wasn’t very fun, apart from a few situations where I stormed in and dubstepped everybody, or used my alien abduction gun on myself and did a nuclear divebomb on a group of enemies, but the novelty wore off.

While cars were hard to justify using, made obsolete by the powers, I would still occasionally use them. There’s still a complexity and appeal to driving in games. It’s easy to see why so many games are based around cars: the complexity of weaving through traffic, trying to avoid damage, taking the fastest route, watching little environmental details like traffic lights, balancing use of the accelerator, the brakes, doing handbrake turns and drifting… it requires more skill than shooting guns, and honestly never gets old. Driving is probably the one element of mainstream gameplay that unadventurous publishers can never run into the ground. It maps well to a traditional controller, too. But if it’s ten times faster to just hold the stick forward and sprint through traffic without worrying about getting hurt, or to glide over buildings to move in a straight line to your destination, then even if this is less fulfilling than a car, who could justify driving for very long? SR3 had this silly Snow Crash-inspired gang that would move around on roller skates by grabbing onto the backs of cars. If they really wanted to reinvent movement, they should have looked further in that direction–something like Just Cause 2 and its grappling hook.

The DLC was passable, unlike SR3’s. There were only two mission packs, and I already mentioned my favorite parts of the Christmas one, but the text adventures were also nice. I’ve seen enough edgy reinterpretations of Christmas for one lifetime, so it wasn’t ideal, but it was more entertaining than the Dominatrix DLC, which wasn’t terrible, but seemed like it was built up from lampshade-hanging and unworkable ideas that developers were unwilling to discard.

The worst thing I can say is that it isn’t a joy to play. Now that we’ve had four Saints Row games, only one of which was excellent–and which we’ve been trending away from–it’s hard to see this as a series of continuing promise or vitality. True, combat wasn’t really any better in SR2, and you were doing frustrating Mayhem and Insurance Fraud runs there, too, but they weren’t so played-out yet at the time, and there was no overt statement then that those activities were supposed to be fundamental elements of the series in a game that was fun because you could enter a cutscene butt-naked apart from a giant rasta cap, or turn on cruise control, get out of your car, and ghost ride the whip.

So here’s my Saints Row 5 wishlist:

  • The same things I wanted in Saints Row 3: the little things. Heavy clothing customization, like layers. Choose my own socks and the angle of my hat. Shared radio and dialogue chatter in co-op. Have some actual variety of taste in customization, so the tattoos and safehouses can represent me better.
  • Make the player work for things again. Earn cars like in GTA 4, and make cops slightly less trivial, because we’ve somehow looped around to GTA being more fun than Saints Row. Lose the powers–no super-sprinting through traffic. Add a hookshot or something that’s fun without trivializing things and making the game too easy.
  • No collectibles scattered around the map, unless they have some unique dialogue or cutscene or challenge or something associated with them. Collect maybe 50 instead of 1200, a suggestion I also discussed for Brutal Legend.
  • Scale back combat so you aren’t just instantly killing seas of enemies and only getting killed when there’s too much chaos. Make melee fun and feasible instead of just launching black holes everywhere. Study games where the shooting is universally praised; add some melee abilities that compliment the guns instead of canned animations that lock you out of your controls for a few seconds. Let people shoot guns in midair. Further gun customization, with either-or choices and add-ons, might be nice.
  • I have no doubt that the next Saints Row will have a funny story and ridiculous premise, but extend this ridiculousness to the environment. This is a world where anything is possible: time-travel thousands of cars and guns to ancient Greece and set your game there; do an Assassin’s Creed parody or something.
  • Don’t pad the game out with the same old activities. I don’t want try blowing up as many fences as I can within two minutes in Mayhem, nor do I want to aim my ragdoll body at trucks on the freeway anymore in Fraud. Go with the classics: clearing out rival gang hubs will always be as fun as your combat system, and car racing will always be as fun as your driving mechanics.

Hopefully next time I can get at least one of the things I want.

The reviewer believes this game stands above total mediocrity. It has something going for it, but ultimately few real merits. Most of the time, it isn’t fun, and doesn’t otherwise provide any sort of emotional payoff. Even though it does some cool things, you should play something else instead.